Love him? Check. :)

{September 2003}

This photo is kind of sad in a way. Or 2 ways really. One, Kyle was deployed. My friend took this with my 35mm camera [then I scanned it in] so we could put it on a CD to mail to the squadron [surprise photos from home back before it was easy to e-mail photos]. We were 1 month into a 6 month deployment :P. Two, a month after this photo I would be taking Brett to the doctor for his 2 year check-up & I would be told I needed to get him evaluated. At the 18 month appointment Brett wasn't walking or talking ... but we got him to walk right after the appointment [phew, dodged that bullet]. But by the 2 year check up ... he still wasn't talking.

2 months later at the Early Steps appointment ... they threw the book at me. They gave him check marks in areas I didn't know he needed them. I'll never forget just thinking we were there for a speech delay & then having the woman evaluating him do all these quick procedures & rattling off to her assistant all the spots to fill in with check marks. She picked Brett up, set him down & rattled off "LOW MUSCLE TONE". Stuff from left field. It was as if I wasn't even in the room. I just watched them make check marks on this form.

Oh. :(

They never said Autism ... but I went home & got on my dial-up internet to see what all the check marks could mean. I'll never forget the way my stomach turned whenever my eyes glazed over some symptoms of Autism. No ... that's just the worst case of these symptoms, I thought. Then I'd continue to search for some other more mild explanation for what was going on with Brett ... in order to turn my stomach right side up.

I was holding on for dear life to the dreams of a typical child that was just delayed. It was too scary to think about that not being the case. I loved him for who he was, but I didn't want him to fit in such a well-known category such as Autism. Because then people would think about my child, what I thought [at the time] about Autism: no thoughts or feelings or a personality; anti-social; not affectionate. I didn't want people to just automatically think that about him ... and I was afraid that's what the label came with.

When looking back on my life & the moments I wish I could redo ... the total fear & turning of my stomach at the thought of Autism are some of those things I wish I could take back. Despite all the check marks ... Brett hadn't changed. He was the same little boy before & after the appointment. And last but not least, I wish I knew there was nothing wrong with looking at him as a typical child who was just delayed. Even with all that I know now ... that's how I see him. :) After all, everything he is ... is typical for him. It's how God made him.